Dirty God

I caught a glimpse of God today, and he didn't look like the pictures in my Sunday School bible.  He wasn't wearing pristine white robes and he didn't have his eyes uplifted and his arms outstretched standing on a cloud.

He was dirty. And holding a shovel.  As I took a closer look I knew he was God, but couldn't believe he was God.  What is wrong? Why does he look like that? How did his clothes get like that? Surely, my resurrected Savior wouldn't look like this? And what is with the shovel, if he is going to hold anything shouldn't it be one of those little harps?

He didn't say a word, he just kept shoveling, clearing a path.  Several times, he took a knife out of his back pocket to cut away branches, to scare off prowling creatures who look at me hungrily.  What is he doing? He is preparing Redemptions Path for me, for you, for all of us.

My Dirty God does not simply sit on his throne hoping we come back to his plan, his purpose, his destiny for our lives.  He is actively seeking us, chasing us, pursuing me.  He sees me, lost in this wilderness of confusion, and he runs after me, shovel in hand. 

I fully believe that God has prepared a path for every one of our salvation's.  He has a plan for our life to stay on and follow this path.  But its not a one time shot.  In his loving nature he also gave us free will to choose where we will go.  Sometimes, we veer off.  We try to create our own way. But my own way will never lead to his promise. 

My Dirty God is not passive about my choices.  He doesn't say, Oh well, another one will come along.  NO! He is always searching, counting, knowing who is missing.  When he sees me off in the distance, hiding in the trees, he chases after me. Hard.  He runs through every muddy puddle, every thicket, every dark forest, and FINDS me. Me! He finds me.

And when he does, he doesn't magically sprinkle fairy dust on us and transport us back to his way,  but he does pick up his shovel and begins to carve a way back for me.  He says, "You have work to do, but I will go before you and beside you.  I will make your crooked paths straight. I will smooth out the rocky places.  Stay with me, beloved." 

That he would love me that much is overwhelming.  He loves you that much.  He is seeking you, chasing you, pursuing you.  He sees you, lost in your wilderness of confusion, He runs after you, and when he finds you, you will find a shovel in His nail pierced hand. And an everlasting love in his eyes.

Let Him find you today. I know He is right behind you.

Truth and Dare

My friend posted a beautiful scripture yesterday from Lamentations 3:22-31. 

It prompted me to read the whole chapter, because I enjoy context, and v 19 really hit me.  It said, "The thought of my suffering is bitter is beyond words.  I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve my loss. 

YET I STILL DARE TO HOPE, when I remember this, the unfailing love of the Lord NEVER ENDS."

whoa.

All those times crying in my pillow, in my shower, in my cookie dough are real times. Real suffering that is bitter beyond words, an awful time, as I grieved my loss.  My loss is different from yours, probably, and most definitely different than the author of Lamentations who watched his country and countrymen be destroyed, but nonetheless, it is loss.  

Loss is gripping, and painful, and all encompassing.  It stills you and stunts you.  And if you are not careful, it becomes you.  It has become me.  

Plainly speaking, loss sucks.  There is no beauty in it.  There is nothing lovely in it. It is deep and wide and dark and empty.  

And yet....

And yet I still dare to hope....WHEN I REMEMBER THIS....

The unfailing love of the Lord never ends.  By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.  So if you are looking for the silver lining....this is it.  Your loss is painful, but you are not completely destroyed. You are alive, and standing.  You cannot see beauty in your loss, but can you dare to look beyond your loss? Can you dare to hope? Can you dare to remember Great is his faithfulness, his mercies begin afresh each day, I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance, therefore i will hope in Him!"

And there it is ...this is it...the Lord is my inheritance.  The Lord is beautiful and lovely and deep and wide and full and whole.  Your inheritance is not your loss, it is the Lord and the fullness of His glory, his goodness.  

The Lord is WONDERFULLY GOOD to those who wait for him and seek him.  

So we wait, and we seek.  We seek and we wait.

For when life is heavy and hard to take go off by yourself.  Enter the silence, bow in prayer.  Don't ask questions.  Wait for hope to appear! Don't run from trouble.  Take it full force.  The worst is never the worst.  Why?  Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return.

Do you dare to hope and remember that the unfailing love of the Lord never ends?

***Scriptures in red are from the Message version and the NLT version of Lamentations ch3***

Tick Tock

It has been 377 days since our first homestudy appointment.

The wait has been so long.  Officially we have been waiting for almost a year.  It has now been 3 years since we made the decision to adopt.  The wait has been its own journey.  It began with an anxious and hopeful feeling, to just being anxious, to now it is just painful.

Waiting is hard.  Think of anything you have ever had to wait for in life.  Now times that feeling by floppity bajillion.  That is how hard it is to wait for your baby.

Sometimes, it is heartbreaking.  There is a deep part of me that is missing.  And it is the strangest feeling in the world to know that you have a baby coming but you have no idea if that baby even exists yet.  You love someone you are not even sure has even been conceived yet.  The wait is a heavy feeling.  So much hinges on this baby that may or may not be here yet.  Silly things like moving a bookcase to make more room.  Big things like should we stay in this house.  Every decision that comes along carries this addendum: unless the baby gets here before then. Every decision, big or small. Is that right? I don't know, but its a fact.  How do you make decisions based on the fact that someone is coming, but based on the fact you don't when?

I receive "advice" from time to time, such as, "you can't put your life on hold."  Ok....how do I NOT do that?

Because this particular type of wait is so very different I will try to relate it to you.

You are always at a red light and it never turns green.

It is always the night before your wedding, but never your wedding day.

You are 42 weeks pregnant every single day.

You are never not waiting for the pregnancy test lines to appear.

You get a phone call every day telling you your dream job is narrowed down between you and one other person, and they will let you know soon.  And they call you every day with that same line.

This is the un-ease that a waiting mom experiences.  So yeah...sometimes I'm non committal.  And sometimes I'm not excited about what is coming up.  And sometimes I'm angry because I'm so unsettled.  And sometimes I avoid questions because I don't know the answer.

The unknown is always a scary adventure.  But the unknown about how long the unknown will last...well sometimes that just an unbearable pain.

I wake up every morning thinking today could be the day we get the call.  That is a strange way to live.  And I will be thankful for the day when it is over.

So how long is too long to wait?  How long is too long to feel this pain and to feel like someone is missing?  How long is too long to look at an empty crib and imagine what she will look like?

Here is what I know...377 days is NOT too long. I will not give up hope on what I know to be truth.  We were called TO adoption and we are being sustained THRU adoption, and our prayers will be answered BY adoption.

God's promise is NEVER too long to wait for.  And it will be totally worth it. Every. Single. Time.

My cousin Cassie sent me this verse, and I cling to it every day, and I will on day 378...379...380...and on and on.

Romans 8 (The Message Version)

^22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

What are you waiting for?
If HE said it, HE will do it. Don't quit waiting! 
I'm not!

Both Hands Part 3 Video Recap

Here is our video recap of the project for Mrs. Margarets home.  I cried as I watched it, thinking about all those who came that day to work so hard.  To read more about what all we did that day check this out.

It was a beautiful day filled with love in action.  We pleaded the cause of the widow and you answered the call.  That was one hand of the project.

The other hand is to answer the call to embrace the spirit of adoption.  While we are not all called to adopt a child, we can all play a part.  God's heart is FOR adoption.  He adopted us!
Adoptions are costly and we have worked hard fundraising and saving, and we have raised nearly $12,000 to date.  However, we still have $13,000 to go.   Now we are asking you to share this video.  Post it on your facebook page, your twitter, your blog.  Every little bit helps.

If you were moved at all by what we were able to accomplish for the widow, please consider sending in a donation.  All gifts are tax deductible.  And you can learn more by going to http://bothhandsfoundation.org/aaron-and-jillian-lawson

If you are having trouble viewing the video click here : https://vimeo.com/61797570

A HUGE thank you to Clarke Flippo for being so awesome and putting this video together for us!

Both Hands Project: Part 2 What YOUR hands did

Saturday was a beautiful day and it was long day.  30+ volunteers showed up to serve Mrs. Margaret! We all gathered at 9:00am and started the day with prayer.  It was amazing to look around the circle of men, women, and children who were there all united for one cause...to live out James 1:27.  Maybe half the people there I met for the first time that day! But everyone worked together and served together like they had always known each other.  A smile was on everyone's face!

The team got right to work! We fixed the fence, trimmed trees, did yard work, cleaned up the back garden.  We were pressure washing and weed eating.
We washed windows, stained the ramp, painted doors, finished trim work, changed light fixtures, fixed walls, painted walls, swept floors. The kids washed the car.

It was a big day.  It was a beautiful day.

It was hard work but it was totally worth it!  I don't think there is one person that was there that day that didn't enjoy it.

Mrs. Margaret couldn't believe how much we were able to accomplish!  And the giving isn't over!  On Thursday, her doorway will be cut.  We will also be able to order her top kitchen cabinets this week.

My family would like to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who came out to help!  We would love to hear some of your thoughts about the day.

These volunteers were completely amazing and I feel blessed to know them and have worked alongside them.

Thank you to
Elizabeth Verner
Hanna & Clarke Flippo
David Hincapie
Alberto & Liana Pinero
Melissa Putnam
Kelly, Kiersten, Madison, Luke, & Mark Baumruk
Lief & Julie Johnson
Kim Spigle
Ivette Mendez
Daisy Martinez
Sammy Martinez
Lissette & Johnny Ortiz
Jarrod & Josh Sanders
Ryan, Tonya, Hunter & Anna Hall
Jane & Forrest Reece
Marti, Heather & Kara Lange
Steve, Heidi, Bobby & Margaret Edwards
Ron & Matthew Kraus
Angel Andrews  
Kevin Knox

We pray that you will be truly blessed for your efforts in extending your hands to help the widow AND the orphan.  When we look at our baby, we will see all of your faces and remember your kindness!

We hope to post a recap video of this project in the coming week!

You can donate to our adoption by sponsoring this great group of workers at our Both Hands page found here : http://bothhandsfoundation.org/aaron-and-jillian-lawson

What I Learned About His Hands During Both Hands: Part 1 Before

I'm sitting in the parking lot of Home depot getting ready to go inside to pick up the last item we need for today's Both Hands project. I cried the whole way here.
I woke up several times last night eager excited and praying for today.
 Not for finances I don't care at this point.
Yes this started as a fund raising movement but somewhere along the way I forgot all about that. I truly just want this day to bless Margaret. Because she deserves it.
 If I take care of what God has put in my hands, I know He will take care of what I have put in His hands. 
His hand is not too short to save us.
His hands hold mercy and grace
His hands create and make and heal and comfort
His hands are capable
His hands are enough.

Part 2 will tell about the day
Part 3 will be our video recap

Live it Out

James 1:27 says this "Religion that God our Father accepts as PURE and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress."

On February 23 we have the opportunity to live out this scripture.  We have the opportunity to serve a woman, who loves the Lord, and served others for so many years.

Here is a list of some things we hope to accomplish that day:

What we can definitely do:
Move furniture to exchange the bedroom for the office and paint the office
Paint the boys room
weeding in the back yard
washing siding
staining the ramp
Painting/wallpapering the hallway

Painting the doorway
Cleaning
Preparing freezer meals

What we can do with skilled help:
install vinyl flooring in kitchen
install light fixture
cut a door to join her room with the boys room
cutting trees
fixing fence
putting up a climbing wall for the boys near the trees

finishing trim work/staining trim work

What we can do if things are donated:
New white 42in kitchen cabinets for 8x10 kitchen
new french doors
new window

Can YOU take on just one of these projects? Can you give ONE day to help a widow?  Contact me soon to let me know how YOU can live out James 1:27 by serving Mrs. Margaret.

To read more of her story click here